You’re heartbroken, you don’t know how you will get through another day, let alone a long future without your partner. They have gone from saying they love you one day, to saying they are leaving you the next. You had no idea he wanted something different for himself; things seemed perfect.
He didn’t say there was an issue, but like lightning striking the very foundations of your life, all new, hideous truths have been revealed. The kinds of feelings and desires you never imagined her having, but now they are a reality. And your life and future are deeply shaken. They have gone - you are deserted and left to deal with the betrayal and loneliness of a future without them. You thought it would be the two of you forever, but they have left. How can you ever trust that someone loves you again if this can happen? How can you have not seen it coming? How could you have known all this muck was under the surface? You were so sure you were in love and that he wanted you forever; he said as much.
It hurts too much. You need them to know how much it hurts. You need her to beg to come back, to start again like when things were beautiful. You need him to say he made a huge mistake while he gets down on his knees and sobs. You need him back in your life, instead of this silence. Instead of him confirming, months later, that he no longer loves you and is now travelling the world, and needs to be single. You need her back. You can’t go on without her. Everything is wrong without her love. You couldn’t possibly start over, your heart is still full of too much love and anger. Nothing can replace her in your life.
Nothing has worked to get him back though. He stubbornly says he feels too different, he won’t go to therapy with you, and he won’t discuss it anymore. He wants silence and you want to talk. You need his voice, you need to know why. It doesn’t make sense. He can’t really want this? How can he love you one day and then not the next? Was it all a lie? It felt real.
You ask a witch to make her pay, you ask a witch to get him to love you again. You beg a witch to make her come back to you, to break up with the new person in her life, to abandon this life she says she wants but can’t possibly. Some witches heartily agree to help, they say the outcomes are guaranteed. There are a lot of witches and mystics that specialise in getting an ex back, and making people love other people, even with curing cancer. Magic seems to be able to solve anything. Witches seem to have tapped the secrets of the universe.
The spells don’t work. One of the witches asks for more money to remove these blocks he says are in the way. There’s always a new block it seems. You suspect it is an excuse to get an extra $500 out of you.
The next witch says she can help; she’s done this before. She even has reviews from people claiming she made their partner love them more deeply, even propose. But it’s another disappointment. No matter the spells he won’t text you back; he won’t return your calls. He’s blocked you now, but you can still see his Instagram profile. He's infuriatingly happy. It doesn’t make sense - how can he be happy without you? He said for years he only wanted you. When did it secretly change in his heart? Why can’t he explain what happened?
Another disappointment follows the next. Are these witches all fakes? Why do they say spells can help when they obviously don’t? Magic must not be real. You are no closer to answers or to your grieving heart healing. Every day is still unbearably hard. If he would just come back this would all be better. You could be happy again. If he would just talk to you and understand how much this hurts, it could all be different. Can a spell make him change his mind? Maybe the next witch can focus on that.
Then there’s this other witch who confirms what you thought might be the case - some of these past witches weren’t witches, they just told you what you wanted to hear so that you would pay them. She said that poverty can drive people to pretend to be what they aren’t so as to pay their bills. I’m not exactly sure what she means, I’m just angry they stole my money. But she says things I’ve not heard before and this makes me pause. She says some of those witches sounded like real witches but they exaggerated their abilities and what magic can do in order to make a sale and survive. Do people overseas not have Centrelink? What do they do to survive if they can’t get a job and there is no Centrelink? Maybe that is what she means - people without a safety net can lie or exaggerate about magic so that they can pay their rent.
What do I do next though?
They said it would work, that he would come back to me for sure, and that it was guaranteed but IT DIDN’T HAPPEN. It’s been months of trying! This new witch says spells can’t be guaranteed, that this isn’t how magic works. How does magic work them? She says it's more like this, we calculate the odds of something being shifted by magic, take that into account, and then hope for the best. She can read the wax for signs if the spell is going well or not. Maybe she will see hope in the candle wax. This Love Witch says that reconciliation spells are hard because it's hard to control other people; even with magic. Am I trying to control him? I guess, but I need him back - I will die without him. I’m not trying to make him do things, but he does need to come back. He belongs with me, no matter what he says. She explained that it may not be ethical to push him really hard to return - that some people will do this kind of magic but she doesn’t think it's fair, and it won’t work long-term anyway. She explained it like creating a force through spells, that might make him come back, but that will inevitably fade away. And I would always be left wondering if he truly loves me, or if he is just affected by the spell. I can imagine the euphoria of having him back fading after a while and chewing my nails in the darkness of our room at night, wondering if he will stay, ‘Does he love me? Or will it happen again that he leaves me? Would he be mad if he found out I did a spell? If he got mad knowing what I did, does that confirm it wasn’t fair? That I wasn’t listening to him?’
She says the real issue aside from the low chance of a reconciliation spell working, is that my life is torn apart and that I don’t feel I can go on without my ex. She says we should really work on that part, on comfort, on repair, on answering those questions that won’t let up, that we should address the confusion, the unfairness of it all that still sits heavily inside me. She says it makes sense I can’t move on yet, but that we can’t get him back. We have to work on the wounding, on the tearing apart of my heart and my life.
I’m not sure if I’m ready to face this. Part of me lets in her message without realizing though, what she said rang like a revelation through my whole body. You consider another witch, another round of spells. It’s already been so expensive! The hope feels sour as you think about what this new witch said about the lies and fakery. The spells from before certainly didn’t work, and not all of those witches seemed genuine about helping me in the end. They talked a big game but nothing came about. With them, you felt more afraid and desperate than ever. The Love Witch gave you a list of people who she says are reputable and can do reconciliation spells, but you already feel disappointed thinking about paying for another spell that won’t work. What if it continues like this? Disappointment, silence, getting nowhere, debt.
This new one says she can do a tarot reading to ask the cards if there is any chance of us getting back together. She says she can peer into his heart and mind and ask why he left. You’re wobbly just thinking about getting answers to those kinds of questions. ‘What if it’s bad? What if it was my fault he left?’
When the answers come back you feel a lightness, a relief you didn't think was possible. It actually makes a difference to hear from someone who knows the tarot, and who knew all kinds of details about your ex that you didn’t tell her, that it wasn’t your fault. You thought you might die all over again, like on that day he said he was leaving you, when the witch said there were no signs of a reconciliation in the cards. But this witch tells you things no one else had. This one doesn’t want to charge you $400 for another spell that has such a slim chance of working. She says it makes her feel empty and disappointed as well as the client when reconciliation spells inevitably fail. If she is willing to admit that, she must mean it when she says the things I don’t want to ever hear about what she saw in her cards. She must mean it when she says it’s time to stop hoping in that way; that it’s time to focus on me, on healing the pain and confusion.
You think to yourself, ‘Maybe the hope was part of the pain, part of the holding on so I wouldn’t have to face the full force of this loss. If I can feel this kind of unimagined relief from a tarot reading, could each day without him be a little bit easier? Could the torture and pining end?' I had no idea I could get real answers, and real comfort this way. You can see a future for yourself where you no longer have to pester and call your ex begging for answers to questions that he can only seem to say ‘I don’t know' to. You’re finding your own answers.
You knew about tarot and that you could learn about your love life from it, but you hadn’t known that such a brutal truth told by the cards, about the dismal hopes of your reconciliation, could glimmer with comfort, and a totally different kind of hope.
Another path, a third way of going forward has opened up before you, and you see a sparkle of the way your life could be rebuilt and hurt less one day. That going down this path means that every day doesn’t have to be as fucking horrible as it has been, and that’s everything.
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